So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We've come this far, don't you be scared now
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down
An unintentionally appropriate motivational song. My favourite song at the moment.
1. I have now been at my new job for 2 weeks. I might write about my entire soul crushing job search at a later point but right now, just a personal post about where I am right now. The Graduate program that I am doing is not obviously directly related to my degree. I don't have an issue with that. I left university with a double undergraduate degree of Commerce (major in accounting) and Law. I left university not wanting to do either accounting or law but it is incredible frustrating having to explain that constantly. I am working for a company that derives it's main business from auditing clients against standards such as OHS, environmental standards and everything else under the sun (basically anything that is NOT accounting related). For the first 5 weeks I will be in 'observation mode' where I literally sit next to someone and watch how they work. I am meant to see how every cog in the business works to gain a holistic view of the company. I get it. It's actually super useful, but sitting there 9-5 and watching someone do work is dull. An understatement if any. They are flying us over to Perth and Melbourne in August to also watch people work. The bigger picture is to develop us into future leaders [a faster pathway].
2. There are 6 of us in total and three are in operations department. The other two grads are slightly difficult to get along with. One girl is relatively nice but super duper bitchy. Unbelievably. She keeps making jokes about my surname. I believe that I am quite a chill and easy going person. I am also quite self deprecating but the joke gets tiring after the 20th time.
3. The other grad eggs the person mentioned above and is relatively nice but not really my cup of tea and that is perfectly fine. I know that I do no need to like the people at work, I just need to be able to work with them. But as we are grads and the only people who are roughly the same age in the company, it almost feels like I have to get along with them beyond a professional level and the fact that I will be travelling with them for 2 weeks in total is a little scary.
4. I am sick of feeling so fake. This is natural. But because I need to sit with at least 3-4 different people every day, the same few conversations happen and it's just tiring. It's the same fatigue I had when I was having multiple conversations with people on Tinder. Obviously, I will make the extra effort to be nice, to be friendly, to be interesting. But keeping it up for 7 hours every day straight is tiring. Then I have the team manager, the department manager and my two other Operational managers constantly checking up and asking 'is everything okay?' and having to be chirpy and going 'yes! It's great' is tiring. I also don't have any friends at work. And like my old coworker told me, 'Natalie, it takes time to get to know people'. I get it. But just the fact that I am so fake and then I sit by myself at lunch is just tiring. I finish work at 5 on the dot and once I get home, I shower and stay in bed for the rest of the night because I a) am exhausted and b) I really really enjoy this downtime where I don't need to be conscious about how I am presenting myself to other people. Maybe it is true what they say about introverts and their downtime.
5. Most people I have met are nice. Some are plain weird. But nice. There is one 'interesting' guy who reminds me of the people I have mentioned on my Tinder series. He makes sexual innuendos constantly and it was quite uncomfortable having to observe him for a few hours. That upset me one of the days [the final straw of an already shit day] . I sat with a woman yesterday who basically insulted me and asked scathingly, 'so when are you going to find a degree related job?' after I told her I had to pass through 7 rounds to get this 2 year contract. Today in their team meeting, she effectively used me as a scapegoat to justify her reduced efficiency the day before because 'Natalie sat with me for 1.5hrs'. Um. I sat with other people for more time than that and no one said anything. And more importantly, aside from maybe 15 minutes, I literally sit there in silence and watch people work. I repeat, I. Watch. People. Work. So in my opinion, to say that in front of a team of 20 is just plain rude.
I guess my ultimate goal in life is to be true to myself. I don't feel like I am being the person that I want to be right now. I am so negative right now, I whinge, I bitch and every little thing ticks me off. But I may be feeling all that during work, but it's stuck behind my neutral/chipper/happy-go-lucky persona. I was talking to a 'friend' or friend via messages and I ended up crying on the bus.
I know that I just need to adjust. I know that I need to give it time. I know that this will pass. But right now, I am just not in a very good headspace at all. My biggest problem is that when I am like this, everything kind of snowballs and I am negative and I start feeling alone and bored and like no one cares blah blah blah. And it's a horrible place to be in right now; it's a struggle to actively control my thoughts and go, 'hang on Natalie. Stop. Breathe. Go meditate'. But to be positive, hey I am aware of where I am and where I want to be. Right now it's the battle between the emotional side and the rational side.
Naturally to stop me from moping, I have a full weekend! I am indoor rocking climbing with a former coworker. Honestly, we hardly talked before but I left my farewell party before he arrived and I felt awfully guilty. On Sunday, I am having lunch with the 'friend'. Status to be determined. I met him on Tinder actually way back. I don't know where we stand right now. If he wants something more or just friends. Honestly, in my current mood I wish I knew without a doubt where his head is at. Irrespective, I will figure it out by Monday if it's the last thing I do. I just don't have patience to deal with it anymore. In other news, I am also back on Tinder. I definitely do go through cycles. It seems that I go in monthly cycles. I got Tinder two months ago, used it excessively for a week and then stopped. A month later, I joined again and used it for a month and started my Tinder series and then stopped. Now it is a month after that and I am back on. What can I say, Tinder kills time. And if I can have fake conversations at work, it is surely second nature by now on this app.