Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Existential Crisis

What is an existential crisis? Well according to the incredibly reliable source known as Wikipedia, it is "a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value". I realise that I am very much an introverted individual who undertakes a lot of introspection. Somehow, it makes sense to try to break down aspects of my life into manageable ideas so that that I can learn from then because I value personal development. I value growing and developing as a person, because to me, there is nothing more tragic than being stuck as the immature, unwordly individual. And yet, (and I shall get off my high horse) it's just so sad when I realise that I may simply be overthinking about life when life itself cannot be rationalised or predicted due to the sheer amount of varibles (each person is controlled by their own moral centre which I am not able to predict). Perhaps I am going about life the wrong way, the painful way, the hard way where I will only be disappointed by people since they don't act the way according to the patterns that I have observed from past experiences. I am aware of all this, and yet, I can't help being this way. I can't help but feel so helpless in this big world.

Something else that I value is being happy with oneself. I find that so important (and perhaps this is a harsh way of looking at things), but, at the end of the day all you have is yourself and it's terribly hard to live your life (I believe) if you aren't even happy with yourself. I think I used to be happy and content. Now I'm not so sure.  I saw my primary school best friend, K, and she was dressed in business wear attire and it just made me think about my own future. She is someone who will definitely become some powerful and successful barrister, one day in the future. I'm not even sure where I want to be. It made me realise, perhaps if I can answer the following questions then I can believe in something more.
  1. What do I want to do in the future? 
  2. Who am I?
  3. What do I want?

I know what I want, which may seem contradictory to my 3rd question. But perhaps my goal needs to more internally centered because my current aspiration is something beyond my control since it relies on external factors and people to act a certain way (linking back to paragraph 1) that's just not possible. It's not healthy to rely so much on other people's actions to determine your own happiness, and I am aware of that and yet it's hard to do otherwise. We are human and we need relationships to survive. It's a necessity, right after food, shelter and water; relationships and having connections is what we all need to survive. I guess all in all: people confuse me and I wish I wasn't so confused because I think it is affecting my quality of life.

Everyone has an angel. A guardian who watches over us. We can’t know what form they will take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don’t let appearances fool you. They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they’re not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart, reminding that it’s us, it’s every one of us who holds the power over the worlds we create.

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what’s real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key that can set us free? It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.
~ Sucker Punch

  I believe that quote from Suckerpunch is amazing and inspirational. Now I need to figure who I am and what I really want in life to then 'fight' for it.

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