Friday, 4 March 2016

Work Aggravation

Well this is something new.

I haven't done a spur of the moment post in .... well forever basically. Actually not sure if I have ever done one. It is currently 11pm as I am writing this on a Friday night. This will be a post about my work life. Yes, my infamous work life. I keep hinting about it and I actually had a post scheduled this morning but I decided against it. I figure that I might actually never get around to posting about it so here I am.

My attitude has definitely picked up this week after my chat with the general manager about my unhappiness/dissatisfaction. This afternoon, I had a chat with the project manager in charge of the project management office as part of a mentoring session. In short, it went horribly. I actually left the 1.5hr chat completely drained, upset, stressed and distraught. It was horrible. It was so intense and felt like a job interview. A grueling job interview at that.

I introduced myself to this guy in my second week of working and we chatted after our Christmas party. I currently sit with his team, and even though I don't report to him, I am on the periphery of what he is involved in. But he is a friendly person and we have chats and jokes.

Here is the thing. I don't know where I want to work. I don't know what I want to do. But I know which industries I don't want to be in and I know what I don't want to do. The entire mentoring session, he kept talking to me like I was an absolute idiot. And if he wasn't doing that, he was grilling me on all my answers. He kept asking what I wanted to do, and I kept telling him I wasn't sure since I hadn't had varied experiences at the company thus far. He would then repeat the question over and over and over again until I got to the point where I was just so fed up and ended up answering quite bluntly - in the most polite way possible - that I didn't know. Basically all my answers ended up being a variation of 'I don't know' and it's really because of my experience at the company thus far. He interrogated me about why I studied law and am not pursuing a career in it.

He talked/ criticised about a whole host of things. Honestly, too numerous to mention here. And here is a direct quote:

We can't guide your experience. You have to drive it because we can only guess what is beneficial. And if you do fuck all, then you won't achieve your outcomes.
His point is completely valid, but I've only been in that rotation for 2 months. Additionally, the graduate programme is beyond problematic and we haven't really had a proper experience or exposure... to well anything. So demand that I know what I want to do and where I want to go at this point in my career is absolutely ridiculous. Of course I phrased that in the nicest way possible but per his interrogation techniques, I ended up just saying, "I know. I just don't know right now" and shutting up. After a while, everything he said I either ended up justifying/ defending myself or telling him I knew [but that didn't stop him from talking down to me like I am an idiot] or just saying, I don't know.

But like any job interview, it's all about pushing through and trying to remain neutral. But I know he knows I wasn't neutral; I am sure he knew I was uncomfortable with the conversation. What he just didn't know was the extent of my anger/ frustration/ sadness at the situation. I ended up questioning myself after the mentor session and cried on the bus home.

During and immediately after, I was really upset. I've been asked similar questions before and people are quite understanding of the fact that I don't know where I want to be. They think it's normal and it is why I am in a graduate program rather than a specific permanent role. The career advice is not new information. My work friend is a big believer of that and she actually has shaped me a lot since I started. In fact, that is why I had that conversation with the general manager. Because I was wanting to drive my career. But the way he did it was so unreasonable and unreasonably harsh. Every time I had something to counter, to prove that I wasn't just sitting there willy nilly, he just dismissed and kept talking down to me.

Now in hindsight, I am just pissed.

Ever since I started this full time role, I have changed. I have become less of a wallflower. I am not sure if it is because of my work friend, my frustrations at work or if I've just changed organically. I believe I am lot stronger, maybe almost hostile and with very much a honest attitude. Not too honest bear in mind, but a lot less fluff.

I have this issue where if I don't like someone because I think they are an absolute idiot, I struggle to keep a neutral/ friendly face. It shall be fun on Monday.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for leaving me a message! I appreciate every comment that I receive :)